It’s been a weird summer, but I’ve done some things I always said I’d do and never did so I’m happy.
Also learned some thing I didn’t think I would.
Here’s an example!
So the latest edition of “The Best of SL” Fashion Magazine features a group of fashion designers, including Lions-Skins, Phoenix Rising, Nardcotix and my favorite Chloë. I just wanted to take the time to congratulate all of these designers, the magazine was gorgeous and Kieran! I love you!
Psst she’s going to design my wedding ring. 
I can haz teh bling!
Well! The last month has been very interesting, and there had been lots of times I’ve wanted to write something down but I found myself too tied up in either RL or SL. But I’m finally on vacation, travelled to my destination, set up with a computer and have some quiet time all to myself.
I miss Snow a lot. A lot a lot. And I don’t like how since he’s left there have been a few people (the number seems to grow as the days go by) have tried to steal me away from Snow while he’s gone. Some are just flirtting, and that’s fine, I’m a flirt myself, always have been. But there have been a couple who know about Snow and I, who are friends with Snow, and who have been very forward in their advances. It gets horribly aggrivating as I’m forced to deal with situation after situation where I am uncomfortable and forced to say “No” again and again. Which has always been hard for me to do. In many cases where I felt someone was being too forward I would simply play dumb and act as if I didn’t catch it. That doesn’t actually work though… it just makes the person try again later and perhaps try harder. So… I’ve had to be more direct.
I really do hate it.
There was a moment, however, where I felt proud. I was speaking to a faun, a fellow ex-gorean who I am beginning to love very much! And I had told the story of how Essie and Snow met during story time, and she thought that he was a NPC because our story sounds like it came out of a book (that’s why I love it so), so she was surprised to find out that Snow was indeed a real player and we started talking in IMs about it. She asked why she hadn’t met him, I explained that he was gone for six months and he left right before she joined. She asked if I was really going to wait for him those six months, my reply; “Yup.” And then she said something that stuck with me…
“Wow that’s amazing. I guess that’s what we’re all looking for in SL. Someone who would go through hell and back for them.”
That felt good. Felt really good actually. Yup, I’m still waiting… and that’s alright even if I do have to push people off of me on a weekly basis. When Snow comes back I sure will have quite a few stories to share, that’s for sure.
The rest I’ll share on Paeraes Vyri…
A friend I met in Karamoon opened up her own jewelry store at the end of January… and I promised to tell the world about what a kick ass jewelry maker she is.
So here it is finally…
I’ve shown a bit of her stuff and usually if you see me in Karamoon I try to wear one of the things she’s given me.
But the piece below is her Valentine’s day piece she made, and my Snow asked Druid, via phone, to send to me as a Valentine’s day present. Needless to say, a present made by my dear friend requested by my love and delivered through my god father is a present that brings tears to my eyes…. and I haven’t taken it off since.
Isn’t that just lovely?! I insist you click for a full view… the prim detail is amazing… and best of all you can change the smaller diamonds and the large diamond in the middle with 256 color choices via a nifty hud she has come up with that you wear, click, choose primary or secondary diamonds and tada! You can always match!
But I must also make a pitch for her freebie this week….
As you can see this set also comes with earrings which are also free… hats off to you Kieran!
So hurry down to the new store Chloë to pick up these wonderful Valentine’s Day sets, aaaand maybe buy some other things -shifty eyes- and enjoy.
Happy Valentine’s Day Everyone!
About the post before last…
I’ve been considering how to handle the reaction I received from that post for a few days now, judging which reaction would be the best. I think… I think explaining might be the best answer.
I was a bit surprised after writing that post when I received a few nasty emails. First I was surprised because I did not even think that my old Master would bother to read this blog any longer. Second even if he did, I didn’t think he’d allow himself to react to anything I wrote. I suppose I made this assumption because I didn’t have any anger towards the incident and had moved on.
I didn’t realize that what ever this rumor is that it was such a big deal. But apparently it is… I still don’t know exactly what it is… yes I was told something, but what I was told hardly warrants the reaction I received but I don’t really care enough to figure out what it was from either side.
Or perhaps I do know the basis of the situation but this was really only an excuse to have a valid reason to attack me again because there is still bitterness left. I would hope not, for that would be reverting back to his old self that I reviled so deeply.
So then.. why did you write that post Essie?
I was shown a log, from the time I was still a kajira that was about me. I would have to agree that it was my business because it was… well it was about me.
And… that was why I felt embarrassed. I wont post it here, it’s not really worth the time of digging it up. But after reading it… my views changed dramatically. I had believed for a long time that I was the one who committed the wrong. And I’m sure if I had never been shown that log, then I’d have been allowed to believe that. But I know now that there were no innocent parties. I am allowed to react to the dishonesties as well as anyone else has the right to react to mine. If this is a problem, well then… stay out of my business.
So… no. I don’t really care what ever had happened after I left. It’s not my business. I don’t want it to be my business so please stop trying to make it my business.
Before I start there’s two things I’d like to get out of the way.
Yessss RL sex is better, that’s an argument that doesn’t need to be argued. So, let’s put that fact aside.
Next, I wasn’t particularly sure in which blog to put this in, but after careful consideration I felt as if this was a comparison to Gor, and thus belonged here.
In SL Gor, I was not a very “lusty” kajira. I usually didn’t partake in sending notecards or describing my romps in the furs with my sisters, I would often be doing homework or watching t.v. in between posts, I usually did not actively seek it (although there were exceptions), and at a few points I even down right refused to (which is a horrible thing to do as a kajira! Don’t do it! Bad!)
My Master, D, had once commented on how reserved I was sexually for a kajira. I replied simply that I find more enjoyment from roleplaying submission in other ways than sexually. He smiled and said that’s why he and I got along so well, we had the same values.
Truthfully, I just didn’t find fucking pixels that much of a turn on. Worse than that, I sometimes found the sexual encounters in Gor repetitive. Missionary, blow job, or doggy… take your pick. Don’t you dare speak, unless asking to orgasm, and don’t try to get creative on your Master… he’s running the show.
This described Essie’s sexual life…
And then she met Snow.
And I’m not quite sure if it is because I’ve left the environment of Gor, or if it’s because my partner is just that good that I’ll never be able to go back. More than likely it’s a bit of both.
In Gor the Master runs the show, and the kajira is suppose to get most of her enjoyment from simply knowing she is pleasing. Well… I did find that arousing most of the time. But this requires that the Master be particularly good at what he’s doing. In my opinion, although I’m sure this could be argued, it also requires the Master to figure out what his girl’s sexual desires are. Kajirae can not ask to be done this or that way, they can only silently hope that their Master will figure it out and do so. If a Master doesn’t explore beyond his own likings, he will never find it and leave a slightly disappointed girl as time goes on. I remember at times feeling a bit disappointed after some encounters because it had gotten so close to the fantasy I had, but …. yet something was missing or a large part of it. For example if I was gagged before sex started, and then ungagged as it began… well… that just stinks for some of us.
With Snow he’s accidentally tripped upon several of my own fantasies that have left me breathless even in real life, which is something I never thought possible because I was usually so disinterested in “pixel fucking”. I’ve saved every encounter on a notecard, which I bashfully admit I read often, and sometimes do have the overwhelming desire to send them to a friend (I’ll restrain myself from posting them all on Paeraes Vyri as best I can but no promises).
There was also this need to be silent in Gor. Sure, sounds were emoted. But every single Master I was ever with never wanted to speak, not even our names. No, the only spoken words were the infamous, “Please may I release Master?” and “Release slut.” Anything more was a treat, and when they did come about (and a couple of times they did) I savored it. I’m not sure if it was just my luck in Gor and this is not the norm, but … well my luck’s changed.
I would have never thought that I had particularly bad partners before. I still don’t think they were bad per say… but in hindsight, it wasn’t very creative and awfully repetitive. They do say you have to get creative to keep things going strong and I would think that doubly true when you are not actually physically experiencing the actions.
In the beginning I thought perhaps it was because I was no longer in Gor, and in Gor the pleasure is focused on the Master, not the slave. But I don’t think that’s particularly true any longer. After all, I’ve always been submissive sexually even in a real bed, so that didn’t magically change when I left Gor and to my delight it turns out that Snow is very dominant in the bed.
No, I would have to credit our creativity. No place is safe, no position ignored, no orifice neglected, no words unspoken. Within the few months I’ve been with him, I’ve done more things as Essie than she has in her entire lifespan within SL.
In the end, I make this suggestion, Explore… explore as much as you can and never let yourself fall into the cycle of what pleases you most. Who knows… you might find something you like.
Honor is a funny thing in Gor.
We often hear about it, we often idolize it, we often seek it.
Masters in particular, because after all… women are much too petty to understand true honor.
And it seems such a simple thing, Masters act honorably and that is that. The honorable path is the right one, where they are not seduced by women with ill intentions, where they do not stab another man in the back, where they respect their allies and defend them to the death. And most of all, they take responsibilities for their own actions.
But what I think is sometimes forgotten is how fragile honor is. It just takes one slip up, one moment of weakness, and it’s all gone in a blink of an eye. And once you’ve been disgraced, it’s a much steeper hill to climb.
I believed, and still did believe for a long time(because I am not so petty as to shift my views over my own liking towards a person), that I knew an honorable man. Today I learned differently…
I felt stupid for trusting him, not angry… just embarrassed. As embarrassed as the friend who told me, the victim of the honorless actions. I’ll be fine, I’ll continue on… but… there will always be that nagging guilt. How could I be so stupid? So blind? Did I really think I could challenge a man to be better? Was he ever better? Or was it all just an act?
No, the answers don’t matter. Honor is always changing. He may have been a good man at one point, but he is no longer. And that has nothing to do with me.
I am so very glad his brothers can not see him now.
Change is always in some shape or form good.
At least that’s what I’ve always believed. It’s never easy… it’s never fucking easy… but that’s why it’s worth it. Or so I hope. How the hell could I really know something like that? I can just assume and live by my own interpretations and assumptions. That’s the most any of us can do, it’s all we can do.
I don’t post as much anymore because things changed and although I see a lot of relevance in some situations I am in, it’s no longer directly related and thus harder for me to justify writing about it. My title says “Thoughtful Kajira” and I have always promoted this blog as an exploration into that lifestyle. So it would seem unfair to clutter it with unrelated topics.
At the same time I do miss writing in my blog. Perhaps its time to shift my focus to fit my current situation.
I still wish to write here when I find something particularly relevant, but in the near future I will be setting up a new blog that will focus more on roleplaying experiences in Second Life. The dynamics, the impacts, and all of those fuzzy questions I loved to analyze here. It will also have more personal experiences within it. One of the things I found hard to adhere to is the seriousness this blog attempted. When I gave out a bit about myself I was often heavily criticized for it. Not to say everyone hated hearing about what I was up to! Just there were some loud dissenters and quite honestly they were right in some regards. I had made a promise to keep things relevant. I like being analytical, I do… but there are just times where I want to sit back and squeal about the fun I had.
And thus! I will be moving… I will still write here if there’s something that completely fits in this category. But otherwise I will be posting in my new blog.
The title of which will be explained in the first post… which I will probably write tonight.
I wish you all the best in your journeys… no matter where they lead.
Here it is the blog post I’ve been promising for a while now…
Wish Upon a Moon is an event designed to help my good friend Moonglow DeFarge out through some tough times. I have to say I admire her, instead of asking for money she focuses on her natural talents and organizes an event to help herself. Of course what good is an event without proper advertising?
The even takes place in Kajira Heat Isle and will feature designs by Moonglow DeFarge. The actual event starts at 12 pm SLT with live DJ’s Arcangelo Hellman and Charley Ihnen. The date auction will begin at 1 PM SLT and the Fashion Show will begin at 3 PM SLT. There will be raffle prizes which will be announced at 6 PM SLT and the rumor is she will be offering to do custom designs on collars. Now I must show off the picture of the collar she showed me…
Can I just say that is one of the most beautiful collars I’ve ever seen? This and many other designs by Moonglow will be showcased and sold at the show so please stop on by and take a look. All in all it’s a win win situation, you get something absolutely gorgeous and at the same time help out a person who truly needs it.
Alright alright one more silly post… is my blog issnt?!
Today Essie’s current love affair signed on after not being able to for a week. I had of course sent him my doll which he immediately tucked close to him for those lonely nights when I can’t be around. Then he said he’d be back in a moment and had to grab lunch.
As I waited I got a message from SLX. Apparently I had ordered a necklace… I blinked, never getting anything from SLX before, and opened it up. Then before I can even try it on I receive a cloak from SLX with a message attached, “For the one that was stolen.” Of course then I know immediately who it’s from (plus if I had read the first one more closely I would have seen the name) and go to tackle him in IMs. Sneaky little devil! Using food as a cover. Gosh.
Well of course I have picture goodness of the necklace and the cloak (did it later so now I post hehe)
Also the earrings I am wearing are from Kieran’s store which she is opening up soon I do believe. Best thing is! The earrings and the necklace matched! I have jewelries of wub!
So here it is, my girly moment
