A Whisper

This post is clearly a reflection upon myself, one I chose to post so that it may help gives others an insight into themselves, but I feel it necessary to point out this will be done in a different style than my usual banter.

Many in SL may notice that I’m rather secretive about the person behind the screen. But most shrug it off as someone who is cautious online. Although this is true, my secretive quality is often a complaint that close friends have in real life of myself. Why mention this? Because it is a part of who I am and allows people to better understand the angle I’m coming from.

My secretive nature perhaps greatly influenced my need to simply be a roleplayer. To never allow the barriers to be crossed. I did this for my own good as well as not allowing who ever I was rping with to get too close. I don’t want someone in another state, another country, another hemisphere to make me empty promises of a fairy tale when I myself have no intention of chasing after them. But my barrier that I thought would only imply that I wanted no real relationship somehow put up a barrier in ways that were so intangible and hard to describe, but they were there. Amongst chain sisters it was commonplace to have conversations (multiple conversations) about my position as a roleplayer. When I was collared by someone who promoted himself as a lifestyler, it became the waterhole topic of how short it would last due to our different styles, and at some points I was surprised as people I did not know that well would nonchalantly bring it up in conversation. It was absolutely frustrating.

But I refused to cross the line in any way. In real life I am a free spirited woman. Going to college, looking into grad school and diving into a career that is mostly marked as a man’s world, only recently changing to allow women to influence it.

I was raised by a strong mother, and a weak father. Shaped by a traumatic event that defined the type of woman I was going to become. And another down the road to send me on my way to follow in my mother’s footsteps as she herself grew old and tired. And yet another that struck me at the time that I was beginning to explore my sexuality, thus metaphorically circumcising me and stifling any desire to examine at the age where it was necessary to do so. There was no option of being submissive, only strength and control. To give up the power I had earned, would mean for me to be crushed under the weight of life. I don’t mean to say I am unique in my past, unfortunately, my tragedies make me just like everyone else. But I hope that the ways I dealt with them even at a young age defines who I am.

But it always haunted me, that need to be submissive. I could not and still do have trouble forming close relationships with people, and it takes an extraordinary amount of work for me to even get the point of a true sexual relationship. Even in SL that’s a noticeable quality of mine, as a friend pointed out when speaking about how much I disliked public flirtation. And yet, when truly impassioned, I truly need to be submissive. Sure anyone could say that I was in denial, self-loathing, or a plethora of psychological defenses. But as much as I explored these reasons, they didn’t sit right with me. I accept my needs, I don’t loath them, I am simply perplexed by them. On the other hand, I do enjoy the power I’ve earned, I’m proud of myself, and who I am and that will not change. So why on earth is this strong woman in real life such a slave behind closed doors?

I have yet to find my answer.

Recently I found myself in a a sticky situation, I feel the need to sugar coat it for the sake of causing less objection to this post, so I will. But the events lead to my Master suddenly turning his eye towards me in a much more direct manner. When we first met so long ago, I never truly appreciated him. I thought him a ‘flat thinker’, my pet name for people who never attempt to look at something from a different angle. And I’m sure his views on my own ways of thinking weren’t too pretty either. But I learned that though he sticks to his principles, they are complex, intelligent, and well thought out. And he learned that maybe I was right in some ways all along. And we respected one another, but he was a lifestyler, and I a stubborn roleplayer.

Or was I?

“How do you want to be dominated essie?”

The question that is often not asked enough within SL Gor, and a hard one to answer. But after exploring for so long I took a plunge.

I’ll never be anyone’s slave in real life, and I think most would agree that would be a waste of who I am. But that doesn’t make me perfect. I am still very young sexually, cut off so long ago, and in bad need to fix that aspect of my life. But what to do?

I’m no virgin, and no prude, but… I don’t particularly enjoy sex or go seeking it in real life. More often than not it simply stirs too many bad memories. At times I feel that perhaps the only reason I have my kinks that constantly try to top the last is an attempt to find something that conquers all the strings I’ve attached to sex. I found SL as a safe way to exhibit some sexuality. To me, SL sex is like porn. It’s certainly sexual and pleasing in that manner, but it doesn’t require a high level of human interaction.

How do I want to be dominated? I want someone to beat my fears. To release me from myself and show me something better.

But that requires a bit of real life interaction. I can still be a roleplayer, I can still keep myself from making false promises, but where is that line drawn?

It certainly isn’t so straight anymore, and yet it is implicitly understood between the two of us. With complicated clauses here and there to protect us from hurting one another unintentionally.

In truth I’m so frightened, shaking almost at the thought. And yet another part of me is so excited. Perhaps this will help me in that goal I promised myself from such a young age, and that is to explore and make whole every aspect of myself. For so many years I’ve dismissed my sexual needs as unimportant, primal, and weakening.

But I don’t want to do that anymore.

So what do you call a roleplayer, who turns to a man she trusts and asks him to dominate her as much as he wants but also as much as she allows?

I’m not really sure, or sure of what I’m jumping into. It might be a mistake, but I feel in my bones that it is not. That maybe for the first time I’m allowing myself to be dominated in some ways, to say it’s ok to have this side of me, and allow myself to be free from the barriers I’ve created in the past.

I have given up so many things to survive, and I did. But now it’s time to step out of that castle and explore the world, even the darker areas.

Serve the Ego

Drama. … altercation, disagreement, bickering, quarrel, row, squabble…

…and the list goes on.

I have been considering how to approach this for a long time. The problem is, there’s too many angles to come at it from. A few posts back I discussed the methods I thought were best once the fighting had begun. But it didn’t leave me completely satisfied with myself. Yes, we must be ready to deal with these problems when they arise. But does that mean there’s nothing we can do to prevent them in the first place?

Much to my own despair the mentality amongst kajirae has changed in the past year. When I first began almost two years ago any slave that stirred up too much trouble was quickly ostracized from the city, usually turning into a panther after being kicked out of multiple cities and quickly forgotten. Now, I fear, is not so much the case. A dear friend of mine witnessed city slaves acting in a cruel manner to an owned slave, and instead of being scolded, they were encouraged by the Slaver. Is that really what we’ve come to? Praising such primitive and ungraceful behaviors?

When defending jealousy (the source of most drama), many girls pull a few quotes from the books, that were indeed true in Norman’s world. These quotes are used as buttresses when some girls resort to much more unkind tactics and behavior against other girls in the worse case scenarios, but are most often used as means to justify a feeling, instead of dealing with it.

I suppose it would be obvious by now that I don’t agree with this. And let me say why…what Norman wrote for the world of Gor may very well work for the inhabitants of that planet, but it does not fit so nicely into human nature. Human women when in a jealous rage are known to kill. This is an extreme case, but any female knows that when we get into these fits of jealousy it is very very hard for us to stop. Soon we become obsessed, irrational, and paranoid when we slip into this way of thinking. A woman who is allowing the flames of jealousy to burn inside of her soon becomes a monster who will obliterate anyone who gets in her way. I’ve experienced this in real life and second life many many many times, and I would be hard pressed to find a woman who is jealous and who didn’t exhibit at least one destructive behavior.

But even more than that, jealousy is a self serving feeling. We become jealous because we find ourselves more important than whoever the jealousy is directed towards. We are serving the ego. Our ego. A quote I borrowed from Jewel’s song.

Mirror, mirror
Do you like
What you see?
I’ll dance for you
If you dance for me
Who says a woman
Cannot serve?
It would be my pleasure
Who says it is
Not my destiny
To let you control me?

I invite you all to listen to the song if you ever get the chance. It begins with the words above, and upon first listening to it I could see how this could be used as a mantra for a kajira. The picture being painted of self discovery in submission, but it quickly changes into something that I believe that no woman would agree is the ways of a kajira.

Get on your hands and knees
And praise the new deity
Serve the ego
Serve the ego

The song continues to explore the fast life of cheap pleasures, serving the ego, until you find you are yesterday’s lover.

Is jealousy not a cheap self serving pleasure?
Of course it is. That’s why for thousands of years human societies have scorned it as a sinful way of thinking and done everything they can to counter it.

But that leaves me saying jealousy shouldn’t exist at all for our own good, and yet it very well does.
I focus so much on jealousy at the moment is because I feel that it is the source of most drama. But what I am about to propose can be applied to any aspect in Gor, negative and positive.

Communication.

I have a suspicion that a lot of drama is caused due to the secretive nature of women. Yes, women.

There have been many instances where an unkind thing was said to me, but I said nothing to that person. In my mind I was avoiding drama, but after the fact I was just turning around to rant to a friend or a Master who may support and validate how I felt. Which isn’t right either.

Later in time, I began to question if that comment that inflicted injury to me was truly meant that way. And if I asked, most times it was conveniently forgotten. This wont do. Because I was hurt, I immediately didn’t trust nor particularly like that person and then did my best to stay away from them. In short, the damage was done.

But what if they didn’t mean it? What if I had reacted in the wrong way to a comment and created all of these ill feeling from a simple miscommunication?

What if they did? What if that person really did mean it, but now they know they can get away with it, and so don’t fess up to it?

A scenario as devastating as the first.

What usually happens when one catty comment is made is that most girls will either retaliate or rant to someone else, not like that person, and a small subtle war will break out between the two. Friends get involved, shots are made and taken, on and on until it becomes so bad it is no longer invisible and a higher power has to step in and stop it.

But what if we could cut this off before?

Instead of walking away angry, why not just turn to that person and say, “You know, that was particularly unkind for you to say/do.” Perhaps explain why you think so, especially if the person asks why you thought that, and then back off. We can all hope that there was simply a miscommunication between the two and it’s resolved immediately. But if not, at least you’ll be forcing that person to be responsible for their own behavior. I’m so very tired of girls making snide comments out of one side of their mouth and then cooing out the other to the men present with an innocent twinkle in their eyes.

The key to this tactic though, is to stay calm. It would be fruitless if you simply exploded after you forced their hand. Instead I encourage you to be generous, understanding, and passionate in this process. The goal is to make people responsible for their own actions, not turn them into monsters. Perhaps this person does not realize the harm they are inflicting upon those around them, and with a small bit of guidance, the problem can be fixed. We can only hope for the best.

Is this fool proof? No. But I’m dedicated to doing what it takes to make people responsible for their own actions. If anything, it will certainly surprise who ever it is being unkind. After all, they expect you to either retaliate or stalk off in a fury. Let’s give these girls who use jealousy as a sharp and subtle sword a run for their money, shall we?

Happy Holidays is PC!

Well I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year surrounded by friends, family, and lovers on this lovely time of the year.

I’ve been meaning to point out a very close sister’s blog that she started after reading my own. Hehe and I’m actually saying that because I’m quite proud of her and myself for being able to inspire a valid discussion of SL Gor and submissiveness. Her most recent post sheds some light on a topic I’ve been trying to pin down for myself. So I welcome you all to take a peek at hers, comment, and maybe even start a blog of your own.

Assia’s Journal

If anyone else has a blog or webring that they’d like me to look at and post up here, please let me know. Just remember that I love you all, but I’m not going to post links that go to blogs that just describe how much you love your Master, or the dance scripts you’ve written, etc… Although it’s good to write these things down! It’s something that this blog isn’t particularly focused on. But if you do have a blog that examines aspects of submissiveness or domination, then I’d be delighted to read them.

Also, I am working on a post, the holidays are just slowing me down. Should be done soon though. Until then! Stay warm, (unless you’re blessed by being somewhere warm on the globe), stay merry, and stay true.

With love,
Essie

So! This Post Might Not Be Too Insightful

I’m a bit surprised that a few people have IMd me asking if I’m ok. The grape vine is growing fast. But thank you for your concern, I am not dying. Heh I actually could have been in big trouble, had the problem not been caught, but it was, four days of some lovely pills from the good doctor, and I’ll be right as rain.

In the mean time! I am soooo behind on work at school, it’s not even funny. Which means I wont be able to post much this week. Unless something just explodes off of my fingers onto the screen. Which means I’m procrastinating on something else. Which is not a good thing.

But once again I find myself in a changing world! Very exciting enlightenments about my own submission. That I’m keeping notes of. So hopefully I’ll be able to develop that all soon.

Thank you again for all of your concern. I’m fine, it was just a bit touch and go for a couple of days. I wish you all happy holidays!

Edit: I got that long awaited video card for Christmas! So that means beautiful pictures for this blog. Unfortunately I lost my adobe program and have to wait a week for a friend to come over and fix it for me. So! Good things come to those who wait I suppose.

The Disease of Drama

Second Life, like real life, will always be burdened with problems. People will always be in conflict, and it makes it easier to be more aggressive when you don’t have to watch the reactions of someone else. Not just that, but we can be more careless, less forgiving, over trusting, under trusting, etc etc etc…

So we must stop fooling ourselves. Nothing irritates me more than girls who say ‘No drama zone’ or Masters who boast that there is no drama on their chain. If you try to discuss the point, you’re stepping on thin ice. If you try to push the topic, then you’re sometimes seen as the instigator. This is a problem.

Upon returning to SL, I thought that it would be easy to stay out of trouble. This time I’ll just keep my nose down and do as I’m told. But I soon discovered this was not enough. Finding a Master will cause drama 99.9% of the time. Making new friends will cause drama 99.9% of the time. Doing what you think is right will cause drama 100% of the time.

So what can we do if everyone is so content to just turn their backs and ignore the problem?

Drama usually involves three people or more. The first is who ever is the instigator, the second is the receiver (at first), and the third is usually who ever the drama is over (in most cases Masters or other chain sisters). This is important to understand, because even though many Masters will claim that they will not get involved with the girls who squabble they already are indirectly involved. In these situations, the mind sight of not getting involved is counter intuitive. You don’t have to put on your boxing gloves and jump in, but you should be aware of what is going on and doing your best to resolve it. The difference is that you listen to the receiver or victim and do your best to support that person and help them be strong enough to end it while still providing all the love and comfort you can.

If you are the victim of constant harassment, even if you block the abuser, block the emails, never speak to that person again, and yet they still find ways to get to you then I feel your pain. However, we must not allow ourselves to retaliate to these obvious attempts to make us angry. In most cases there is some other motive then just wanting to ‘tell the truth’. A lot of kajirae who are angry will tell their old chain sisters about all the bad things that was said about them by their Master. It’s not uncommon at all, words are twisted, and sometimes true, but this tactic isn’t an attempt to help the girl, but usually to try and break the relationship between Master and slave. If you retaliate to these attempts, you’ll be validating the abuser’s need to do this, making you appear even more of a monster in their own eyes and furthering the conflict. If you walk away, it probably wont bring any magical revelations to the abuser, but it will most likely make it harder for them to keep going if they get no response.

I’ve also found that if the information you receive truly does bother you is to talk to who ever it relates to. I know that some Masters will refuse to, and this is a shame (despite the conventional wisdom). If we bottle these problems up, ignore them, and let them fester, then we can never truly move on. If your Master or girl does not wish to talk about it, then the best advice I can offer is for you to explain why you want to talk about it. In most cases, I find that we actually become stronger. Sometimes we say and do things we regret, and that come back to bite us later on, but what could possibly bring a Master and his slave closer than being able to forgive one another for these flaws? I caution you, however, to remember this point when searching for the truth. We make mistakes, and on SL it can be easy to hold people up to a higher standard. It does us no good to get angry and throw a fit, in fact if you do this you will only be accomplishing what the abuser wants. Always remain calm, take deep breaths, and if you feel you are getting too emotional, step out for a bit. It never hurts to think things over and get it under control.

If you find yourself as the abuser, I urge you to take a deep breath and stop. It’s hard, I know. Life isn’t fair, we have a lot of anger over a lot of things, but for your own sanity, just let it go. You may not have even started it, it may have been you trying to defend yourself. If this is the case, I find it best to make one final statement, one that isn’t inflammatory, apologize and ask that you both move on. And just to make sure that it doesn’t continue, block off all contact. At least this way you’ll rid yourself of that primal need to have the last word. But I hesitate to think of it as ‘having the last word’ but instead ‘having a final statement’. Say everything you want to say in a rational manner, explain that you are done, quickly, and get out.

The other will most likely do what ever it is they can to respond, and sometimes they will find a way. Such has been my case. I wanted more than anything in the world to defend myself in these situations, but the key of having a final statement is that it is final. To vent off some of the steam, I wrote down on a notecard my rebuttal but never did anything with it. It’s a bit of comfort, a way to help you rationalize your own thoughts while spending all the pent up emotions but at the same still keeping yourself from fueling the fight.

If you do not take these steps, I fear that you will follow down a very bleak path. Chasing after people months after the incident, people who don’t care, who have moved on, and now only feel sympathy for their plights. In a way the only way to stop drama is to ignore it, as most of my points seem to lead to, but I’m not proposing we keep walking blindly claiming that we are above human nature. I simply hope to point out that the simple ‘no drama zone’ mind set is not the right way. Instead I’d rather we treat it like the disease it is that will not go away until we take the proper medicines for it. In the end there will be nothing to ignore, because we will have cured it.

To be a Kajira?

Many might notice that I’ve taken a lesser role in the world of Gor. Some might even believe that I’ve given up on it.

Not quite true.

I’ll still be spending time in the world of Gor, with the dear friends I have made. And at that time I will be a kajira.

But more importantly, when I’m in Gor or out of Gor, I will be a slave. Nothing will change that, as it shouldn’t.

Hold that thought as I seemingly change topics.

A lot of girls after leaving a Master will make the same complaint. “He did not dominate me enough.” In fact, I think 9 times out of 10 that will be said. And after a while, I simply find that disappointing. But before you think I’m making another argument for the poor kajira who has a Master who is ungorean, listen closely…

I don’t buy it. I don’t. A bit harsh. But as I’ve said before, I’ve heard this tune played many many many times.

This is how it starts. When the girl first finds the Master, she will sing his praises for days and nights on end. This is good! There’s no fault there, after all a girl should love her Master and every quality of him. But then one day he will not pay enough attention to her, and then another, and this goes on for a bit of time. He then may find another girl to add to the chain, and it will be assumed in most cases he is spending all of his time with her. And then when things go sour, the girl will beg release or be released, and she will place all of the blame on the Master, saying it was his fault, “He didn’t dominate me enough”.

This actually imitates a lot of other sorts of relationships. Marriage, dating, friendship, business etc etc… and the most common advice I’ve heard councilors give in this sort of situation is “any relationship takes work”.

The beginning is always fun. And we all hope that the fun times will last forever, but the truth of the matter is it just wont. And as a kajira it is your implicit duty to work as hard as you can to keep the relationship going. If you think he’s not dominating you, then think very hard on why you think this. “You’re not dominating me!” is a very vague and useless accusation. What needs to be said is “You’re not dominating me, and this why I think so…”

If you think long and hard about it and finally come up with the “well he’s not spending any time with me”. Then domination is not your problem. The problem is that you miss your Master. It’s legitimate, but it is handled differently.

But if you find reasons such as “well I want him to tell me to do this”, then I have come to find that communicating such a desire is the best remedy. I know that it is hard, that we want our Masters to read our minds and know exactly what buttons to push. But it’s impossible. Especially when you’re starting to get deeper into the relationship. We aren’t mind readers, why do we expect others to be so? But after a while of communication, you will find that your Master does learn what buttons to push, and you will no longer have to communicate what you need. This is the goal of course, and it may take a long time and be a lot of work, but it is what a kajira must do for happiness.

I also find that girls will do certain things that make their Master’s feel as if their attempts to exert control over the girl is futile. First of all she will argue, and even if she submits to the will, the next day it will be the same problem reoccurring again. With this particular situation, knowledge is half the battle. After it was brought to my attention, I reminded myself in order to be the best slave I could be I would guard myself against this. Yes I argue sometimes, not in a mean way, but because I want to voice my opinion. I will then relinquish my power, and do as told. But even if I don’t like it, I will do my absolute best never to complain about it again and follow the order. We must do this, it may be a Master’s duty to give commands and take control. But we must follow behind our Master full heartedly in order for our submission to be true and final.

Now back to the original argument, about me leaving Gor. It relates because as I see it I am submitting fully to my Master. If he leaves Gor, then I shall follow. The environment is different, I may not kneel with my legs open, but I am surely his slave at his command. Now some girls may not be willing to do this, and I find no fault in that. If you truly want to be in Gor, then that is your calling. But my point is that I wanted to be his slave more than anything, that desire is greater than anything within SL. And so, I take a deep breath and follow after my Master in submission, because as I know, everything in life requires constant effort and work.