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The ability to forgive is one of those things we’ve been taught about since out early days of public television. It’s suppose to be this admirable quality that makes everyone feel good in the end.
Well… it may make some people feel good. But the ability to forgive and the fuzzy warm feeling afterward really all depends on chance. I think most would agree, there are certain people who seem to do more forgiving than others.
Of course the same is true with Gor (why else would I write about it?). To highlight it I’ll simply describe my own personal experience.
Last year (well longer than that now that I think about it) I was ousted out of a city on false charges, I made a few social mistakes, but really nothing worth the actions taken against me. Worse than that, certain people involved flat out lied, and what’s worse these lies were taken at face value, with no proof, no logs, nothing…. it was my word against theirs. I was kicked out of my Master’s chain, lost my position in the city, and exiled with no warning whatsoever. Horrified, I immediately uninstalled SL, deleted every file, and decided that really this was a sign to worry about my own real life.
A few months went by, and I signed on. A woman who had caused a lot of my problems immediately approached me and demanded I delete the information on my profile (I hadn’t because well… I uninstalled SL!) then brought up my first Master saying “your friend ruined a lot of lives”. I was upset, angry, and hurt but I deleted my profile, signed off and uninstalled it. I wasn’t ready…
A few more months go by and although my life was not perfect, I was happy. I decided to reinstall SL log on and see what happens.
I immediately was jumped by my old chain sister, who explained what had happened in my old city and that for a long time (even perhaps before I first returned) that most felt that I had been wrongly accused. She told me to wait for her Master to return so he could talk to me and I did so, more out of shock than anything.
Then her Master IM’d me with the most…. cold dry apathetic apology I’ve ever heard in my life. And for a moment that whole choice of “should I forgive him? Or shouldn’t I?” raced through my mind. At this point no one could blame me if I flipped them all the bird and went on my own way, but after taking a few deep breaths I just called him a silly old bear and offered my forgiveness.
I suppose he was trying to protect his own pride by his first comment, and maybe was afraid that I’d tear a well deserved hole into him. But as soon I did no such thing, his demeanor immediately changed and he became as warm and friendly as I once knew and he invited me for a tour of his new city.
I obliged and the rest is history.
That Master is now my own Master, someone who I love very deeply and who loves me in return. He has said now and again that he doesn’t deserve me after all he’s put me through, and maybe he’s right, and maybe I am just a blind blonde fool (more than likely). But when I think of that pivotal moment where I could have taken my just desserts from the two who were responsible for a lot of my past pain, and instead extended my friendship once more, I smile. Nine times out of ten, a forgiving nature will screw you over. But that one time… that one time can make it all worth it.
I often find myself defending Gor among ‘non-gor’ Second Lifers. The most common question, “Is it true that women can be caged and raped at will?”
Yes and no. Women are caged when wandering in a gorean sim in earth clothes, but it’s not usual or recommended to rape the girl. In fact most sims have a clause that will protect girls from unwanted approaches.
I always tell people who ask that all gorean sims have visitor tags, but if you do find yourself captured and don’t want to be there, explain in an OOC IM to the capture you don’t want to be in gor and tp out. Some sims will ban you after you tp out, which my reply to those who object is “well you didn’t want to be there anyway.”
I think the confusion starts with who goreans deal with runaways. Yes, we are pretty good about letting people go if they don’t want to be there, but we fight viciously against girls who come, are captured, then run to another city to be captured again. In these cases, the girl belongs to the first city, if she wants to go to another she can attempt to have the Slavers negotiate her release to the other city, but it’s truly frowned upon for girls to be so flippantly about where they go. My answer to this; research and visit cities OOCly before you run off and get captured. When I returned to Gor I went to every city, talked to a few people, had tours, read rules, and then finally decided to stay with friends. I wanted to make sure I’d be in a city with the same philosophies and the same goals I have. I can only ask girls who are interested in gor to do the same thing, it’s a pain and a little scary for the meeker kajirae amongst us, but it’s well worth it in the end.
There is another aspect that I’ve discovered some “goreans” take part in that gives the rest of Gor a bad name. Clubbing. I have heard a few complaints, and in growing number, of Masters going to or owning a club, then luring girls to the gorean sims and collaring them there.
Now any gorean would ‘pfft’ at the legitimacy of these colorings, and I agree. These collarings have no standings and are simply shameful. But if I’m hearing multiple complaints from different people, goreans and non-goreans, then there is definitely a problem. As these acts continue, those who do not understand Gor will simply see it as a bad thing with bad people who kidnap good people thus fueling the bad rap that goreans get.
There’s nothing I in particular can do to stop the behavior beyond warning others that it is occuring. To handle this attack at gorean dignity, the cities must step up and address the problem. If men are found of doing this to unsuspecting girls then the city must rise up and create laws accompanied by punishment to dissuade the behavior that seems to be cropping up outside of Gor. It’s true there will always be griefers, but that’s no excuse to let these type of actions go.
Gone gone! Like the wind baby!
I’m sorry that you all had to see that, it’s really not something I am proud of. But as much as I attempt to avoid confrontation and drama, I believe there comes a point where you put your foot down.
I feel, as I pointed out in a similar post, if you let someone get away with that kind of harassment, it only gets worse. Does this mean that you always strive to correct everyone to how you see it? No. It’s one of those grey areas. You know once you’ve hit it, but how you deal with that is up to you.
To those close friends who have stood by my Master and I during this, we appreciate the support and defense you’ve given us so readily. It means a great deal to us, but at this point I urge everyone to just let go even if it continues on the other side. He and I are quite happy and quite fortunate to have found each other and all of you.
So!
-puts it in a box, puts the box in the closet, locks the door and throws away the key-
So now you know, if any other accusation comes up… -points to the locked closet- that’s where it is. And that’s where it’s staying. And this is the only post I’m ever dedicating to such a shameful thing.
Phew! Now back to basics!
So this has nothing to do with anything but me!
I have a new puppy, an early birthday present from my parents. And I keep promising pictures so here it is… Ella. And coincidently one of my cats, Sasha. And… my house!
I’ve always been fairly interested in human interaction, how we relate to one another and things like that, but at the same time I like to understand it so I can predict it and relate it to myself. Asking questions like, “What will this person do.” “What is this person thinking?” “Why did this person do that?” “How can I encourage or stop this the next time around?”. The last question I ask myself a lot, and I think we all do after a life lesson, or at least we should.
I’m also horribly analytical from time to time. And I know that humans can not be categorized, put into slots, or predicted. But maybe it’s because that when I create these ‘types’ in my thinking, someone goes out and breaks out of the rules and forces me to redefine my original theory.
My point? Well in my past two years I’ve watched some troubling scenarios… again… and again… and again. How to put this… break ups? Chain releases may be the more technical term, but specifically how all parties deal with the break up. It’s a huge problem, but I’ve kept silent on my thoughts for the same reason everyone else does, because they just want to move on. And… I think this is partially good and partially bad. It’s good that people just want to move on with their lives, but it’s bad that we don’t have proper discourse, because, as usual, communication is the only way that we can become better informed, and when we’re better informed we can make better decisions.
As far as I’ve witnessed, there are three different distinct type of break up patterns, and one mix. The lovey dovey, the broken record, the runoff, and the bomb.
Lovey dovey- I gave it this funny name because I find this one the… strangest and most foreign to myself, and it’s quite rare within SL Gor. It’s those who decide to split, but keep as good contacts, even sometimes the two are still ‘lovers’ in the sense that the Master or Mistress still uses the slave sexually. I attempted this type of split once, and I believe due to other pressures it quickly failed so I have a tremendous amount of respect for the people who can accomplish this.Optimally this would be the goal of must of us to achieve, but as I mentioned before, there can be so many other factors pushing against this that it makes it near impossible.
The Broken Record- I think this is one we are all quite familiar with. The Dominant or the slave will rattle on and on about the injustices that the other party committed. It’s a lot of drama, it’s a lot of hassle, it’s incredibly dangerous, and it has the amazing ability to get others entangled (some people who are not even involved in many cases). Are we wrong when engaging in this behavior? I don’t think it’s black and white, sometimes it is a good thing to just scream at another person until you’re blue in the face. But, like all things in life, if you find yourself still screaming weeks, months, years after the fact then it may be wise to reassess the situation and figure out a way to change the behavior.
The runaway- It’s just as it sounds, after a split, we run. Some may leave gor, some may leave the city, some may become a panther, and some (like myself) may leave SL completely. The defining characteristic is that the person just leaves without much of a word. I think most would say that this is the best way, but I think it’s not a black and white overall good. In my own case I left SL because it occurred to me that I needed to get a few things straight in my own life first, and only when I was ready, did I return. I wasn’t seeking sympathy, or vengeance, or validation. I just became aware of the fact that I didn’t care what happened when I returned, I was ready to continue. I believe if someone decides that it might be best for them to step away, then they should keep that goal in mind. You don’t have to leave forever (unless you discover you’re happier that way!), but you shouldn’t be ashamed to say “I’m not ready yet, I think I’ll take a breather.”
The bomb- This is the mix of the different categories. The split happens and the bomb goes off. It’s loud, the person or people scream at each other for a a bit (sometimes a few days and sometimes a few weeks), and then the bomb runs out and choses one of the three different paths. First the two parties apologize and come to friendly terms again, or they are not friendly to each other and stop all communication immediately, or they disappear from Gor or SL altogether. The last path is I think the most common. After one person leaves, they usually create an alt and start over again so it appears that person leaves forever. In short, the bomb may be the most destructive out of all types because they tend to focus so much hate and anger into a giant burst.
Why am I even sharing my thoughts on this? Because I’d like to at least get some girls to think about this before they find themselves in this situation. It’s better to say to yourself, “If this happens, then I want to do this in a dignified way”. I find myself looking back and groaning at some things, and amazingly proud of other things I’ve done. The things I am proud of, however, were complete chance. But now that I’ve been able to analyze myself, and others I’ve witnessed, I can hopefully direct myself better in the future, and I hope in the end that we all can.
When girls come to Gor, well many of them, there is a false expectation, a false hope that they will be given the chance to struggle and fight against their collar.
There are stories of this happening within the books Norman writes, but it’s usually brief as the girl quickly realizes that her only true happiness is when on her knees, and so there’s no reason to struggle.
SL Gor follows accordingly. Kajirae are not usually feisty, they follow their Master’s orders, quite happily, and those who do not frequently are frowned upon. (The exception being new girls, they are encouraged to be a bit feisty if captured, but only until their training is complete).
There’s nothing wrong with this, in fact I discovered that almost all Masters within Gor truly enjoyed the easiness and acceptance of a girl’s submission. And why not? Men, Masters, come to Gor in order to be in control, to be surrounded by the type of women that Norman describes who are very aware of their need to serve. And they’ve come to the right place, SL Gor very accurately tries to make that point to kajirae. If all the women within Gor constantly challenged this control, it would simply contradict itself, and the attraction that most have to Gor would be lost.
The girls, for the most part understand this and accept it. But when I was training I encountered some girls who would be particularly feisty, and when they were ignored, it only became worse. I understood that it was a plea for attention to their own needs, the need to be broken into submission, but I was amazed when most Slavers didn’t see this and after a period of time, became frustrated and released the girl.
These type of girls, in my mind, required a great deal of attention to fulfill their needs and I was able to recognize that, but I was in no position to fulfill the needs. I remember trying to explain this once upon my return with a Master, and he pointed out that it wasn’t his problem to deal with these girls, they needed to be able to sustain themselves on their own love of serving to be happy kajirae.
It was that conversation that helped me understand what the conflict was, and really it was just a conflict of interests. And in this case, I tend to side with the Masters. Gor is a place where girls come because they love to serve, not because they want to be beaten daily into it.
Now I suppose you could say the book is closed on that matter, but not quite. For I, myself, enjoy the fight now and then, especially now that I have shifted from roleplayer to semi-lifestyler. There will be some days where I am content to be an obedient slave, and other days where I will push at my boundaries. And I think this fluctuation truly mystifies my poor Master as the good little kajira he knew so well will sometimes go out of her way to test his dominance.
So why do I do it?
I believe there is one most basic and obvious reason. Because there’s excitement in the struggle. A lot of us are looking for dominant men, and get that chill down our spines when we’re held down against our will (well… maybe not completely against our will.) That’s really all there is to that point. The fierce display of dominance is exciting to us mentally and sexually and at times it can become addictive as we purposely break rules to see that display.
It can be dangerous as well. For one, as I mentioned earlier, it can become a habitual routine, always causing trouble, and in the end frustrating our Masters more than pleasing them as it would appear we never learn anything. The second is where the line is crossed. It can be hard to know, when you mean it or not, when you want to stop or keep going, because part of the play for most of us is to say ‘no’. Most people get around this by having a safe word or action they do to tell the dominant enough is enough, but I’ve found that even with this, a truly loving Master or Mistress can be a bit cautious, for fear of hurting or pushing his or her slave too far. This is never a sign of weakness, instead it is a sign of love and instead of turning around and complaining, attempt to dissolve this fear through long explanations. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again; Masters and Mistresses are not mind readers, so we need to lay down the ground rules from time to time so that our desires become easier to obtain.
I certainly hope that some of the reasons that I have this drive, is similar to the girls who are seeking this in Gor, which is why I’m discussing it at all. I realize, that we aren’t all the same and my reasons can be dead wrong from another, but my point, my entire point is, that this desire can sometimes ruin a girl in Gor, and needs to be recognized for what it is by bother parties so that it can be discussed and dealt with appropriately, not in the way I watched, where chains were torn apart, and the want of a collar was lost on the girl. And if this fails, then perhaps it is not Gor which you are looking for. I think some of us forget that there are other worlds out there, you just have to explore to find your niche.
As a kajira, and often the chain sister of some very talented builders, I never owned much. I never learned how to build, or had any money, and certainly never decorated the house I lived in. It just never crossed my mind.
When my Master gave me my own tree house, I was so excited I had built a bed for it, and decorated it in under 24 hours. But recently we moved the arrangement of our tree houses, and I was saddened to think I had lost my special place.
“Maybe we can build you a barn for your horse”
I remember how I was sitting at my computer, my eyes lighting up, and trying to play it cool.
“Oh… that sounds nice”
We then changed subjects and I worried the thought would be forgotten, but a few days later there on the land was a beautiful barn ready for me. (A special thanks to two lovely ladies who helped with that!) I put in Little J (my horse and early Valentine’s Day present) then realized my barn was incredibly bare.
I then went out on a quest to buy more animals for my barn, but my quest lead me to buy many things that, although very cute little animals, don’t really live in a barn. Swans, a hopping rabbit, a squirrel, and a hummingbird. So I placed them about the land hoping my Master would approve.
When he returned I lead him around the land, pointing out each animal and waiting nervously for his approval. It was surprising, how my life in SL had unconsciously affected my behaviors. Many girls lay down items at their Master’s house without much thought, but here I was feeling I had taken too much of a liberty.
Needless to say I was relieved to hear “This is amazing Essie! You’ve made the place so much more alive.”
And I guess my point of all of this is, as I sit here misty eyed, is that you never really realize how much the little things mean sometimes. I always had a house before, but for the first time, I have a home that I can share with my Master. I sit outside in the tree, and look out, and it’s not just a bunch of pixels. I see some of him in it, and I see some of myself. But most importantly, I see my home.
Well a while back I dove into the world of SL Gor again to visit a friend and to be completely honest, looking for a bit of inspiration. Seems I found it.
Imagine my surprise as I visit a new homestone and the second girl walks up to me and greets me as a “slutling”. Now, I know I am a stickler for formalities and politeness to strangers, never calling girls I don’t know “sister” but not being offended when the someone calls me a sister. But slutling? No, there’s a line. And that’s past it.
Then to my horror I met the Master Slaver and he addressed me as a “slutkin”. And it was at that point I was quite happy I wasn’t in the world of gor anymore.
Some, well many, might turn to me and say “Well you are a slut!” And I am, but I’m not your slut and I certainly wasn’t the Master Slaver’s slut, nor was I the second girl’s slut or any other kajira’s slut for that matter.
And that’s really it. There’s some cities that promote this hyperslut activity, which for some cities I suppose is all they want. But it makes me sick to my stomache. I enjoyed being a kajira over a sub because I loved the elegant manner of kajirae. There was grace to every movement and I did all that I could to move in such a style. So that is why it breaks my heart to see this kind of behavior. Where girls just sit in clusters and giggle, calling strangers slutlings (I have no problem with referring to a friend this way if both agree that it’s ok), and often times make fun of their Master’s in some subtle way. I call these girls the teeny bopper sluts. Because they imitate the actions of most adolescent girls you’d find hanging around in school hallways between classes.
What I find more troubling is the girls who often don’t partake in this behavior are left out. So as an ending note, I encourage anyone who’s sitting on the outside of that ring to stay strong, be beautiful, and never turn into the teeny bopper sluts just to fit in.
My Master: So, what are you confused about?
Estrella Canadeo: myself
My Master: In what way?
Estrella Canadeo: I don’t know…. maybe I’m not good enough and I’ll screw up.
My Master: How so?
Estrella Canadeo: by breaking the rules and then being angry that I got punished.
My Master: Well, for the most part, I’m following what you stated when you told me how you like being dominated.
Estrella Canadeo: I know
Estrella Canadeo: and I’m glad…
My Master: It’s my role to push at your boundaries, Essie
My Master: You might sometimes get angry with me for doing so.
My Master: I’m prepared for your anger, and I think it’s natural. Submission is a trait that needs nurture.
Estrella Canadeo: I don’t like being angry at you, you’re so kind to me.
My Master: But when you had to deal with the consequences, you felt anger
My Master: Right?
Estrella Canadeo: yeah
My Master: Of course you did. In your real life you’re a capable independent woman. Men don’t push you about.
My Master: That doesn’t have to change in you. The difference is that I’m not “men”, I’m your Master. And I’m not pushing you about, I’m exerting control that you’ve willingly offered me.
My Master: So, feeling angry is natural. But looking past it, and processing that deeper message is where submission, and the acceptance of my control, come in.
My Master: See my point?
Estrella Canadeo: I do but it’s hard for me
My Master nods
My Master: It’ll always be at least somewhat of a struggle.
My Master: But it gets easier over time.
Estrella Canadeo: I guess my depression is just making it seem like I’ve ruined everything, when it’s natural.
My Master smiles
My Master: Yes, what happened was perfectly natural.
My Master: You didn’t ruin anything either. I love you just as much now as I did before you misbehaved.
I’m reminded of a special I watched once when I was fairly young when dealing with this topic…
There was a man who watched his father break horses in a fairly horrific manner, hanging them upside down, beating them repeatedly, and all other sorts of painful tactics. The man, who was a boy at the time, was horrified by this and sought out a new way to train the wild horses.
He discovered that horses had certain body language to communicate dominance amongst the group, and if used properly, could be used to convince the horse without hurting the animal to trust him and then trained. To prove his point, he captured a wild mustang stallion, took it to his barn, and said he could train the horse within a short period of time using only body language.
When the stallion was first brought to the barn it was infuriated, kicking against the walls, bucking, and threatening to attack anyone who came too close. The man spent hours with the horse in this state, trying to calm it, show his dominance to the horse, but more importantly show the creature he was a friend.
And soon the horse calmed, no longer threatening to tear down the barn in a rage and would allow the man to touch him. It was at this point the bit was introduced, but the moment the horse felt it had been betrayed it reared back in anger, lashing out at the man who dared to put the bad tasting metal in his mouth. But the man was calm, continued to use his technique to show the horse all was well and the man could be trusted.
Every time a new form of ownership was introduced, the mustang would lash out in anger, although the fits became less and less powerful until eventually they disappeared all together, and the horse was fully trained, and even ridable. The stallion had become submissive not through the “breaking” of its will, but through the gradual build of trust.
And now comes the point, often when thinking about my own training I find myself thinking of that stallion. Frightened, torn away from the life it once knew, and presented with an odd man who somehow knows how to control certain aspects of myself and is asking me to trust him.
I get angry when I screw up, and I know that isn’t rare in submissives or kajirae. But usually before I contained my anger because it was the safer thing to do. In gor, angry kajirae are often frowned upon, and Masters don’t really allow much of a space that allows newly enslaved girls to express their anger that might very well be natural. I think this is because anger is usually associated with drama, and this can be true, after all there is a stereotype of a certain type of girl who’s always challenging the rules and making a fuss who is destined to become a panther who tries to turn around and kill her former Master later on. But why does this happen? Perhaps it is because we never allow our girls to express their anger in a healthy way behind closed doors between them and their Masters. If this were to happen, then the sudden bursts of anger we see would disappear, because instead girls weren’t allowed to build up on their frustrations, but instead naturally express them in a constructive way for the Master or Mistress to deal with.
This of course sounds easy, but it really isn’t. It requires a huge amount of trust, understanding and calm between both parties. And the right combination of all of these elements makes it rare, not to say that not everyone is capable of this, but it also takes a bit of luck to get the right two people together so that their personalities enhance each other. And with that, I’ll end with this… I’m pretty lucky.
A picture of my Master and me done by Chloe Jael at Fascination Studios. I highly recommend and will post more of her pictures later to further show off her talent.
I was never really a slave then, and I’m not now. I’m closer, but there’s a long way to go. And I don’t believe many of the others I encountered in Gor were really slaves either. Yes, a few were and are, but more of us, even the lifestylers, were really more subs than we know.
At the end of last year I was asked to think of and write an explanation of how I thought it best to dominate me. How I wanted to be dominated. Now I hope most of you are aware of the apparent contradiction in this statement, as a dear friend made sure I was aware of. To want is not to be a slave.
Gor tries to make slavery instantaneous. There’s technical training, and many Masters and Mistresses will tout what they think it means to be a slave, and many slaves will tout what they think it means to be a slave. And after this confusing time as a city slave, with many different conflicting views, but with no real encouragement to explore on their own what you tend to have is a mindset amongst slaves in a certain city, and if someone has a different view they are usually beaten down quickly for behaving differently.
And for some, what there is is enough, they feel complete within Gor and that is perfectly fine. But for others, it feels like some aspect is missing, and because they are not complete, they are not being completely dominated. After all, how can you expect your Master to dominate every aspect, if you never express all there is to you?
So yes, to say “This is how I want to be dominated” is a literal contradiction. But the process it creates ends up giving the dominate so much more control over the submissive because they know where the boundaries lie. In my view, slavery is not instantaneous, it’s a journey and you can’t both walk blind, you provide the chart, and your Master or Mistress choses the course.
I’m not a true slave yet, but I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’ve never felt more dominated.
