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Sometimes I have dreams that are so focused and clear, when I tell them people believe I’m making them up. Well, that’s not exactly true, I have sections of dreams that are clear, then there is a transition and it doesn’t make sense anymore, but I only tell the one part as if it where the whole dream.
Well a few nights ago I had one of those dreams.
I was talking to my Master, we were in TI again and he had just gotten into a fight with his old girl. She was no longer on the chain, but I was just newly collared, putting me in an awkward situation as I was still friends with her.
She IMd me on msn, while I was sitting with my Master in one of those long sessions of silence he put many of his girls through. And she was just chatting happily to me, but cautiously and I realized I had to say sorry for everything that has happened, so I did.
And she asked me, “Why did you post those things on your blog?”
“About him not visiting?”
“Yes, how do you know he doesn’t?”
I then showed her the invisible sitemeter (check the code) on my site that I’ve had up for the past two months, then the comment Kitty made on my blog and compared the IP addresses. How he lived in such a such place, and I knew because every time I ask him to read the blog, there’s that IP address. I told her we didn’t know anything about the password bit, neither him nor Kitty, they thought she was lying but I thought it was a glitch because in my own experience sitemeter is a bit buggy.
And she just nodded, accepted what I said and that was that.
“I’m sorry for the assumption.”
“It happens.”
“You’re getting married now?”
I wanted to invite her to the wedding, I don’t think I actually did though, I just thought about it as she continued on.
“I don’t know how you were able to do what I tried to do for so long. What I’m still trying to do. I’m so lonely Essie.”
And then comes the nightmarish bit, where I had the perfect thing to say (although of course I now can’t remember it and it probably wasn’t that great at all) but I could not say it. Like something in me had broken and I just couldn’t move as she talked and talked. It’s not really a nightmare, but I have that sensation all the time. I can’t see, I can’t talk, I can’t hear… I hate that feeling.
Before I could say anything else, the conversation had ended and my Master had returned. We were in our current house, time suddenly made sense, and I never mentioned to him that I had just talked to her.
Ironically I haven’t told him about this dream either.
Then of course… things went downhill and crazy really fast.
But the most important part, the part that I will repeat… because you can never say it too much.
I am sorry.
The way I figure it, there’s all sorts of hurt in the world but can be categorized into three main types.
There’s the type of hurt that occurs when a stranger hurts us. This type of pain is usually the most violent and most random, that leaves a person asking where God was and why humans are so cruel to one another. Overtime, however, in most cases this type of pain can be over come. After all, it’s during these moments in it is the easiest to turn to our loved ones and ask for support.
Then there’s the type of hurt we inflict upon ourselves. Guilt. Shame. Insecurity. All forms of pain we inflict upon ourselves. We usually ignore the emotional devastation we wreak upon ourselves and in many cases it manifests physically sooner or later. Believe it or not this pain is not the most deadly in my opinion because it is much easier to control once we realize that we are doing it to ourselves. There’s only one thing one person can control in the world, and that is themselves.
The last type of pain is the most deadly, that is the pain that loved ones inflict. Where do you turn when you’ve lost all trust? How do you rationalize the love and pain? How can you make it go away?
Some of us do manage to overcome this obstacle, but most of us do not. We deal with the pain in different ways, we attack them back, we hurt ourselves, we hurt strangers…
But the scar lasts forever.
Last week I worried that a woman would get a hold of my best friend and tell him everything I’ve been doing in SL. Well… I worried only for a moment.
But I realized she’d be doing me a great favor. She’d give me the push I’ve been needing for so long now.
She’d tell him excitedly, he’d listen, nod and thank her calmly, look at this blog, then block her from contacting him again. He’d then ponder the information for a day or two then finally turn to me with a question.
“Do you want to talk about it Kay?”
I could say yes and finally tell him everything and feel at ease. I could stop worrying what he’d think of me, I could stop hurting myself over it, and I know he’d accept me for it.
But I could just as easily no. And what’s worse is I know he’d just smile and nod and say “it’s fine, we wont talk about it then.” And that would be that.
How could he possibly know that what I would want more than anything in the world is for him to actually be angry with me, to scream at me, to be disgusted with me, and to serve me my just reward. How could he know when he patiently smiles and nods that it’s like a punch in the gut?
Pain and guilt are funny like that.
[13:13] Junta Kuhr smiles
[13:13] Junta Kuhr: You look gorgeous
[13:14] Estrella Canadeo smiles, “You’re handsome.”
[13:14] Junta Kuhr smiles
[13:14] Junta Kuhr takes a deep breath
[13:14] Junta Kuhr: Essie… no, Kay… I love you.
[13:15] Junta Kuhr: All of what you’ve been through, what we’ve been through, has given me the ability to see so many things in life so much more clearly than I used to
[13:16] Junta Kuhr: One of those things is… I don’t want to go through the rest of my life without you by me.
[13:16] Junta Kuhr: I know the real thing is a long ways off
[13:16] Junta Kuhr: And it will be a hard road to get there
[13:17] Junta Kuhr: But … for you, it’s worth it.
[13:17] Junta Kuhr: For now, though… here in SL…
[13:17] Junta gives Estrella a big diamond ring.
[13:18] Junta Kuhr: Will you marry me?
[13:18] Estrella Canadeo smiles, at a loss of words for a moment as she takes the ring and nods. “Yes J… yes…”
I suppose my last entry, a simple picture, left many scratching their heads and checking the title of my blog to make sure it indeed says “kajira”. I do and will always consider myself a kajira, I will kneel before my Master, wear a collar on my neck, be mindful of how my palms rest, dance against the red tiles, serve with my head held high… and I will not call any other man “Master”, I will not turn to a stack of lifeless books for answers, I will be my Master’s wife. I am la kajira! And a rare breed at that.
Now last week I was itching to write a post about the joys of surprises. But this one takes the cake…
I rarely ask my Master for anything, but I’m always thinking about what I’d like. I had long wanted to be an only slave, to be registered with TSR, to be partnered… I had dreamily hoped that he would ask but never once even hinted. When the moment came, I was so glad I never did, because it meant so much more to have him give me these things on his own volition. To sum it up the results were this… my wittle heart went fump fump fump!
But perhaps because I still consider myself a kajira, a way-ward kaji! But a kajira none the less, I never even thought of a wedding. Surprises I hope for are great… but surprises that are true surprises are out of this world.
I love my Master…
Yes!
Oh em gee! 5,000 hits!
When I started this blog… I kind of just figured it would be my own thing, that I might use as a learning tool in Hellenos. At that time, my current Master was sort of in his assy lust haze and I remember being so surprised when I shyly asked him to read a new post and he replied, “I love reading your blog essie.”
I was delighted when I started to receive IM’s encouraging me, asking if they could show their girls, and when others (including my bestest sister Bella) began their own blogs.
But it wasn’t all good. Dear used it as a weapon. Leaving me ‘presents’ that I quickly deleted. She often responded to my posts with some snippy blog post of her own, as if everything I wrote was about her. As if! Oh and before I forget… I really have no idea who Queens Flaming is. I love her! But I certainly dunno who it is.
There is good news, that English IP has been identified! The scoundrel! Also I’m not identifying who on this blog because any one who needs to know, already does. And if I said it was “so and so” then people would be like “who’s dat?” so let’s just skip that dance eh? It is sad to see Miss Darling hasn’t apologized for the assumption on her part or admitted that someone has come forward to her and said “That was me, not him” Tsk tsk where’s your journalist integrity?
But enough about that! (And I hope to mean that for not just now… but forevah!)
First of all… a present for my readers. Yup! One for my men readers and one for my women readers.
I know… I’m silly.
Second item of business… silk review!
The last silk I reviewed from Kajira Heat was absolutely stunning for it’s sheer detail, but this silk is gorgous for the absolute opposite reason.
Yes another silk from Kajira Heat that is appropriately named “Slave Rags”, (maybe if I show it off she’ll make a darker tan style?) ((Hehe)). This one is for 150L at her store and if you’re looking for something authentic, here it is!
I usually hate authentic kajira wear because they lack any beauty in my opinion. But I love this outfit. First of all, I take back the comment about non-prim clothing. This silk proves me wrong! The top looks like it is literally tied on, with the back piece forming the knot. If you’re like me and have your collar on the spine, it comes with both chest and spine attatchments for the top knot (it’s the little things I swear). The bottom piece is just as is, a cute little tease indeed as the two hanging strips of cloth manage to cover just enough. And the texture, simple, sweet, and realistic. That really sums it all up, it’s beauty comes from the simplicity and realistic qualities.
Thank you to my Master who posed for me that day (I had to do print screen because Windlight wont let me take pictures anymore). I had put the picture together fairly quickly, (is an hour quick?), showed him then ran off to work… which I was late for. I hadn’t told him it was done to exhibit the silk, but he liked the picture so much he put it in his profile. o.O
And last but not least… you may realize that this post is a liiiiittle bit of a cop out. That’s because it’s the end of the school year, and I hate that I can’t be all deep and philosophical all the time… but I just can’t pull it off (Also why I’ve been putting up old posts). So bear with me… four more weeks left… then freedom.
Last week, as we all know, this blog has made an unfortunate turn down a dark road. I wish there was some other way, I really do! I hate having to do it… but nine months… nine months! It wasn’t even nine months of us fighting back and forth, it was nine months of her… going on and on and us pleading again and again to just leave us alone… and you know what? I am going to say it… Dear if you had just left us alone, this would never have happened.
I hope more than anything this will be over soon, that I can just move on with my life and she can move on with hers. But in the meantime, thank you to all the support I’ve gotten from friends. It’s amazing, and scary, as to how many people came to me and said “About time! She threatened to reveal my real life info too!” People she barely even knew she did this to. What we have here, is not two girls squabbling, but a massive cyber bully who has been allowed to threaten person after person to make them shut up, and the Lindens have done nothing, report after report, because it happens off of SL.
Lindens or not though… we aren’t going to allow ourselves to be bullied anymore because she threatens us. I hate having to dive into drama, but there comes a point when you say “enough is enough… fuck you and the horse you rode in on too!” Now some may be asking how we can bring an end to this as quickly as possible, a good question! Our demands are simple, leave us alone! You can go ahead and post what ever piss ant blog you want (even though it’s been revealed to me that you logs may be *coughs* doctored), but just stop IMing us and emailing us and accusing us of what ever your head can dream up of. What you do beyond that… is up to you. I think that’s a fair request, aye?
Lastly, I have no idea who Flaming Queens is, I’ve asked all my friends and they don’t know. I love the post, it’s absolutely hilarious, and even the replies are absolutely appropriate. It is stupid drama! And anyone who isn’t involved would scoff at it and bravo for them! There is sanity in SL. But because I have no idea who it is… and it appeared so quickly, this means to me that Dear has a lot of enemies and has hurt a lot of people who are just waiting for the day when she learns she’s not a legend for her newspaper, but a legend for her own brutality. It’s not a threat, but a warning to say “watch your step.”
So this is what keeps running through my head and how I’m going to end this blog. It’s horribly inappropriate but I have a head cold and so I don’t very much care…
“Hey hey! Ho ho!
The bitch in Gor has got to go!”
My answer: I didn’t reveal any personal information. You’ve revealed your identity as Katt several times, (hmm I wonder why you both have the same blog posts?) but even if you didn’t. That’s not rl info hun.
But even sicker is you’d attack him because I pissed you off. That’s how the mafia operates, they threaten loved ones. You’d ruin his life because I mentioned your other name, a name, that has already been revealed and not by myself (remember that reply you wanted to post on my blog as Katt Kongo? That’s willingly giving it up). And what’s even sadder, is even if you did do this, he’d never do anything back to you. So go ahead. Show the world how unstable you are. How cruel you are. Show the world what we already know.
You’re a monster.
So one last follow up…
I thought when the accusation first came to light, logically I knew what was going on. Someone in England is reading her blog regularly and she’s so desperate to believe it is him, she’s made it true in her own mind.
But when she emailed him I thought “Well she must have concrete proof! You don’t just email someone to be like that unless you know.”
Humans doubt a lot, and I feel so guilty because I did believe my Master and even if I didn’t, logic tells me it’s impossible. But still I doubted. I doubted him and myself.
Then the proof was delivered and I let out a sigh of relief. I even laughed as I read the “evidence”.
The world is still round, pigs do not fly, and someone in England does read the blog, but it is not him.
I suppose I should feel badly, that her mind works in that way. Where she’s still obsessed and needs to find something… something… to still get us for.
But I’m tired… so tired. And I’m tired of saying “Oh well if we let it go… she’ll let it go too and we’ll all just move on.” I’m tired of having mafia-like threats every time I post something she does not like. I’m tired of her proclamations that she’s leaving us alone and moving on and yet sending us emails and IMs under the table. And I’m tired of saying nothing…
I’ve waited faithfully for months for her… trying to be patient and believe in human goodness. But I just don’t care anymore… I don’t care if you are Katt Kongo and can get away with harassing us with the Lindens. I don’t care if you somehow sick them on me… I’m going to be selfish and say what I want too. If you don’t like it remember… I’m being…
Just.
Like.
You.
Dear, you’re sick. We’re all tired of your bullshit. We’re all tired of you kicking and screaming about something that happened in August. Go with your Master, be happy you have him, and forget about us. For your own sake if nothing else.
I am well acquainted with the mind set of insanity. One of the reasons I feel the need to analyze everything is so I can save myself from slipping back into that hazed state of paranoia and accusation that I knew so well a few years ago.
In second life… hmm how to put this right.
We’re not insane, but we act like it.
After the last explosion of my own drama, I decided to get my nose out of that one and follow in my Master’s foot steps. He had been urging me for months to ignore it, but I didn’t feel safe doing so, I felt if I turned my back, then something awful would happen and the world would be over. But nothing terribly bad ever happened. Sure bad things were said… but I think I’ll live with the booboo. Even if I did find some things entertaining, it was at the expense of someone’s sanity… and that isn’t right.
Imagine our surprise last night when my Master received an email to ask him to stop reading someone’s blog.
So! I know he sent a reply, but I think he left out an important detail. His IP address… 80.193.168.65 It’s also in the full email header he sent… so it’s not doctored in any way. He also knows about the site meter and the ability to read IP addresses, all the more motivation to keep him from visiting.
So! With that said… just because he lives in England, and you probably get English visitors… does not mean it’s him.
In SL we must not give way to paranoia and fear, if we do… we begin to do stupid things and make stupid accusations. That’s the advice I have for anyone who has to read this (I really am so sorry to use this blog in this way! I’ll make it up I promise.)
I know it would be nice to think he reads your blog, I really really do understand how it must hurt the way he just threw you out of his life but please please… leave us alone. We don’t want anything to do with it anymore and have been trying for months. So as my little cousin says in all of his wisdom, “Just go away!”
It’s hard being a roleplayer hmm? That’s what I learned this year, even more so than last year.
Where as last year I had been taught to keep my mouth shut, this year I’m learning that there is no black and white situation of when it is best to talk, when it is best to hush, and when it’s best to do a bit of both. So many shades of gray.
For a large portion of this year, talking was good. The more I talked, the more I learned, the more I compared to others, and the more truth I discovered. But it’s such a double bladed sword. You’ll never make everyone happy, somehow there’s always a third party, especially on chains of multiple girls, and you’ll find yourself in situations where everyone thinks they know everything.
I’ve found in this third party situation, the more I try to talk, to try to explain how I feel things went, and what I was trying to communicate in the first place is often a lost cause. Which is absolutely frustrating! I know I speak in very general terms here in this blog, and sound very calm and objective, but believe me, there are times I’d like to scream at my own advice and throw it out the window and divulge in selfish pleasure of “spreading the truth”.
The truth, though powerful, can destroy anyone’s sanity at the best of times. I’ve discovered simply this, if you give your side, and that other person isn’t willing to listen, then forget it. Truth can not overcome human will. And if they never even bother to ask you, then stay away. It’s a call out for a fight that will end with your dignity shredded.
The jury is still out if talking before the drama has begun is the best thing to do. Many times I find myself quiet, putting away the small frustrations that appear between two women (and yes this does happen!), and then the moment the opportunity presents itself I explode with every small detail. “Well she did this! And then this… and this… and why …. why didn’t I say anything before?! I was right wasn’t I?” That is the thought that races through my mind constantly within SL. Usually the countering of “Well what if I’m wrong?” is the only response I can give myself to explain why I so diligently remain quiet, even when I discover I am quite frustrated and unhappy with a social situation.
I watch other girls who gladly tell every detail, and it does not seem to help most of the time, not even themselves. It just looks, talks, and walks like drama. But I do envy them! How I wish I could try to tell my side of the story, without worry of guilt and shame. But I do feel guilty, I do feel shame, and so I keep quiet with the hopes that things will get better. But they don’t… there is still drama!
So what do we do? … I have no idea.
((I wrote this at the end of last year… hence the first part about being a roleplayer. Why on earth didn’t I post this?!))
