Broked (Edited)

Last week I was involved in a car accident I managed to really screw up my right arm and wrist. So! As you can imagine, it’s quite hard to type.

Thus I wont be typing much in the next couple of months including here in this blog. Have no fears, I will write again, but at least for right now it’s much too hard for me to sit for long amounts of time and type with one hand.

Anyone is of course welcome to email me at estrellacanadeo@gmail.com; it’s easier for me to communicate in emails. I will also be signing in SL to check messages regularly so don’t be surprised to see me log in.

Last but not least, if you are still dying to hear from me I will be auctioned off on August 3rd at 2pm SLT at the Karamoon Keep (along with a lot of other players from Karamoon). I myself will not be there at the time, instead if I am bought I will work out a deal with the winner so that my arm wont be a problem.
Here’s the actual location, much easier!
Auction

With that all said, I take a bow, wishing you all happiness and good health.

Until next time…

Essie

Distaste

The relationships between Free Women and slaves has always been an interesting one. I would hate to paint everything with the same brush, and so I’ll make a disclaimer here that I am not speaking of everyone and everything under the gorean sun. I only speak of patterns I and others have noticed.

There are some Mistresses I adore. But I always found it interesting that these Mistresses were in some way shape or form a slave at some point in their journey. It seemed these Mistresses (not all!) were more willing to understand the pressure on a kajira to please the Free (who all have very specific and very different ideas of what Gor is.) These Mistresses were often the women that slaves went to for a shoulder to cry on or the woman who was willing to stand up and fight for certain slaves that were being neglected or abused.

Then there are some who never wish to be collared. These are the ones that kajirae learn to fear because it is often these type of Mistresses who are often times are the hardest and cruelest towards slaves. Many a time have I had to sit through speeches from Free Women of how they felt that slaves were a dime a dozen but they, those who were Free, were much more beautiful and wonderful in every aspect and they just wished that the Free Men of SL gor would just figure that out and stop chasing after kajirae. Many a time has it been demanded of me to tower even when my own Master was present because I was offending their good modesty. Many a time have I wondered why some Mistresses acted like my own Master. A smart kajira simply learns to bow her head, bite her tongue, and nod when required when these women are speaking.

For a long time I felt the previously mentioned Mistresses were the worse Gor had to offer (yes even worse than panthers because those I could avoid easily enough.) But recently a friend of mine has brought to my attention a different kind of Mistress. One that I was aware of but never thought about too hard.

The kind of Mistress who is desperate for a collar.

Never has there been so sad a sight, so pathetic or so demeaning as a Free Woman who purposely shames herself with the intention of being collared. In my own mind it’s at the same level of raiding panthers rampaging throughout SL Gor only instead these women wear a very thin veil.
If a Mistress learns she wishes to be a slave then that is a different matter as she submits herself to a man of her choosing. But a woman who realizes she’d rather be a slave but instead choses a man to taunt and tease until he collars her is nothing more than a manipulator. Not even a high form of manipulation is occurring either, simply one that children pull off in the playground.
The reason I believe that some women partake in this game is because they’d rather hand pick the Masters they have. The Mistress in question comes to a new city, picks over the Masters like fruit at a market, then once she finds the one she deems suitable she turns into an unruly brat when he is around so that he has no choice but to collar her to save his own honor. Now some Masters are smart and will sell the brat slave as quickly as possible, which causes quite a bit of drama for him unfortunately as she becomes even more unruly and impossible, in which case a smarter Master will just release her and be done with it. I caution any Masters to attempt to satisfy any of these beasts, I’ve never heard of any turning out right or even lasting longer than a few weeks. (But of course I’m always happy to know I’m wrong and there was at least one happy ending in the sea of misery and drama)

Now I may have upset some who think I’m assuming quite a lot. Well yes of course I am speaking in general terms. I’m not pointing a finger at any one person and will gladly admit there are many Free Women who have been forced collared and yet lacked any of the previously mentioned motives. But it would be a fool who claims that what I describe never occurs at all, and I’d even venture to say that it occurs much too often which is why I write.

In the end, it’s simply something that SL Gor would be much happier without.

Guilt

I apologize beforehand for my own silence, I’ve been exploring outside of submission for the past few weeks and I plan to continue doing so. Because of this, my thoughts haven’t been too focused on submission and thus my blog has been severely lacking. Have no worries… I’m not saying this is the end, it’s only a new beginning.

I always found it amazing when my close friends would come to me seeking advice on relationships. Well, not amazing, but interesting and only because I seem to be the expert on giving advice, but I end up doing so poorly in an actual relationship. Usually at some point in the conversation something along the lines of “I’m sorry to dump this all on you, but you help me understand what he’s thinking” is said.

And I’m sure a few friends who are reading this are flustered and worrying that I hate giving my thoughts on their problems, not the case. I like to help my friends because first of all, they’re my friends and second of all, because when I attempt to help other people, I’m searching a part of myself and you can never do that too much.

But last night was one of those nights where this aspect of my life got me thinking. I was talking to two friends, in two separate conversations. (Don’t you love the power of the internet? Where else could you talk to so many people about so many things at once while rping?) But somewhere down the line the two conversations began to melt into one as both friends started talking about relationships and then I did something I hate to do… I talked about my own relationships.

“That girl I told you about keeps bothering me. She keeps sending me text messages and trying to get closer to me.”
“Well tell her to call me so I can describe how much fun it is to be ‘close to you’.”
“Ouch!”
“Oh you know I’m teasing.”
“I was about to say something really emotional… but I decided against it.”
“… I hate it when you do that!”

“Poor guy.”
“Why?”
“I’ve been bothering him for the past half hour to tell me something.”
“Tell you what?”
“I dunno yet.”
“LOL you dork.”
“Oh my goodness…”
“What?”
“He says that he has trouble meeting other people because he always compares them to me and I surpass anyone he’s known, so it makes it really hard.”
“That’s so sweet.”

And it was… but even as I write this I feel so much guilt.

“Why do you feel guilty?”
“I feel like I should pull out of his life.”
“What? Why?”
“Because I’m standing in the way of him meeting new people.”
“Ess, that’s not what he said. He is meeting new people, he just doesn’t feel as close to them. That’s not your fault.”
“Yeah… I guess that’s true.”

And it is… but still I hate it. I hate it when relationships start and end with “you’re different than everyone else”. I’m weird, I know. And only to confuse matters, I like being different as well. I do revel in my own mystery, I take pride in it, and I guard it jealously. It’s wonderful for me… horrible for others trying to get close to me. And don’t think for one second I don’t recognize it as a problem. It’s a classic problem that we all have in one shape or another, that whole damn “walls” issue.

It’s because of these walls that instead of admitting to this guy that I’ve done the same and compared others to him, I just shrugged it off and went back to talking about his girl troubles.

It’s because of these walls and this guilt I feel that it will be a very long time before I am able to really allow anyone to get too close. That’s no one’s fault but my own.

And I am sorry for that.