About that…

About the post before last…

I’ve been considering how to handle the reaction I received from that post for a few days now, judging which reaction would be the best. I think… I think explaining might be the best answer.

I was a bit surprised after writing that post when I received a few nasty emails. First I was surprised because I did not even think that my old Master would bother to read this blog any longer. Second even if he did, I didn’t think he’d allow himself to react to anything I wrote. I suppose I made this assumption because I didn’t have any anger towards the incident and had moved on.

I didn’t realize that what ever this rumor is that it was such a big deal. But apparently it is… I still don’t know exactly what it is… yes I was told something, but what I was told hardly warrants the reaction I received but I don’t really care enough to figure out what it was from either side.

Or perhaps I do know the basis of the situation but this was really only an excuse to have a valid reason to attack me again because there is still bitterness left. I would hope not, for that would be reverting back to his old self that I reviled so deeply.

So then.. why did you write that post Essie?

I was shown a log, from the time I was still a kajira that was about me. I would have to agree that it was my business because it was… well it was about me.

And… that was why I felt embarrassed. I wont post it here, it’s not really worth the time of digging it up. But after reading it… my views changed dramatically. I had believed for a long time that I was the one who committed the wrong. And I’m sure if I had never been shown that log,  then I’d have been allowed to believe that. But I know now that there were no innocent parties. I am allowed to react to the dishonesties as well as anyone else has the right to react to mine. If this is a problem, well then… stay out of my business.

So… no. I don’t really care what ever had happened after I left. It’s not my business. I don’t want it to be my business so please stop trying to make it my business.

Pixel Sex

Before I start there’s two things I’d like to get out of the way.

Yessss RL sex is better, that’s an argument that doesn’t need to be argued. So, let’s put that fact aside.

Next, I wasn’t particularly sure in which blog to put this in, but after careful consideration I felt as if this was a comparison to Gor, and thus belonged here.

In SL Gor, I was not a very “lusty” kajira. I usually didn’t partake in sending notecards or describing my romps in the furs with my sisters, I would often be doing homework or watching t.v. in between posts, I usually did not actively seek it (although there were exceptions), and at a few points I even down right refused to (which is a horrible thing to do as a kajira! Don’t do it! Bad!)

My Master, D, had once commented on how reserved I was sexually for a kajira. I replied simply that I find more enjoyment from roleplaying submission in other ways than sexually. He smiled and said that’s why he and I got along so well, we had the same values.

Truthfully, I just didn’t find fucking pixels that much of a turn on. Worse than that, I sometimes found the sexual encounters in Gor repetitive. Missionary, blow job, or doggy… take your pick. Don’t you dare speak, unless asking to orgasm, and don’t try to get creative on your Master… he’s running the  show.

This described Essie’s sexual life…

And then she met Snow.

And I’m not quite sure if it is because I’ve left the environment of Gor, or if it’s because my partner is just that good that I’ll never be able to go back. More than likely it’s a bit of both.

In Gor the Master runs the show, and the kajira is suppose to get most of her enjoyment from simply knowing she is pleasing. Well… I did find that arousing most of the time. But this requires that the Master be particularly good at what he’s doing. In my opinion, although I’m sure this could be argued, it also requires the Master to figure out what his girl’s sexual desires are. Kajirae can not ask to be done this or that way, they can only silently hope that their Master will figure it out and do so. If a Master doesn’t explore beyond his own likings, he will never find it and leave a slightly disappointed girl as time goes on. I remember at times feeling a bit disappointed after some encounters because it had gotten so close to the fantasy I had, but …. yet something was missing or a large part of it. For example if I was gagged before sex started, and then ungagged as it began… well… that just stinks for some of us.

With Snow he’s accidentally tripped upon several of my own fantasies that have left me breathless even in real life, which is something I never thought possible because I was usually so disinterested in “pixel fucking”. I’ve saved every encounter on a notecard, which I bashfully admit I read often, and sometimes do have the overwhelming desire to send them to a friend (I’ll restrain myself from posting them all on Paeraes Vyri as best I can but no promises).

There was also this need to be silent in Gor. Sure, sounds were emoted. But every single Master I was ever with never wanted to speak, not even our names. No, the only spoken words were the infamous, “Please may I release Master?” and “Release slut.” Anything more was a treat, and when they did come about (and a couple of times they did) I savored it. I’m not sure if it was just my luck in Gor and this is not the norm, but … well my luck’s changed.

I would have never thought that I had particularly bad partners before. I still don’t think they were bad per say… but in hindsight, it wasn’t very creative and awfully repetitive. They do say you have to get creative to keep things going strong and I would think that doubly true when you are not actually physically experiencing the actions.

In the beginning I thought perhaps it was because I was no longer in Gor, and in Gor the pleasure is focused on the Master, not the slave. But I don’t think that’s particularly true any longer. After all, I’ve always been submissive sexually even in a real bed, so that didn’t magically change when I left Gor and to my delight it turns out that Snow is very dominant in the bed.

No, I would have to credit our creativity. No place is safe, no position ignored, no orifice neglected, no words unspoken. Within the few months I’ve been with him, I’ve done more things as Essie than she has in her entire lifespan within SL.

In the end, I make this suggestion, Explore… explore as much as you can and never let yourself fall into the cycle of what pleases you most. Who knows… you might find something you like.

Honor

Honor is a funny thing in Gor.

We often hear about it, we often idolize it, we often seek it.

Masters in particular, because after all… women are much too petty to understand true honor.

And it seems such a simple thing, Masters act honorably and that is that. The honorable path is the right one, where they are not seduced by women with ill intentions, where they do not stab another man in the back, where they respect their allies and defend them to the death. And most of all, they take responsibilities for their own actions.

But what I think is sometimes forgotten is how fragile honor is. It just takes one slip up, one moment of weakness, and it’s all gone in a blink of an eye. And once you’ve been disgraced, it’s a much steeper hill to climb.

I believed, and still did believe for a long time(because I am not so petty as to shift my views over my own liking towards a person), that I knew an honorable man. Today I learned differently…

I felt stupid for trusting him, not angry… just embarrassed. As embarrassed as the friend who told me, the victim of the honorless actions. I’ll be fine, I’ll continue on… but… there will always be that nagging guilt. How could I be so stupid? So blind? Did I really think I could challenge a man to be better? Was he ever better? Or was it all just an act?

No, the answers don’t matter. Honor is always changing. He may have been a good man at one point, but he is no longer. And that has nothing to do with me.

I am so very glad his brothers can not see him now.